Sometimes you want something so bad in life… well, I don’t know about you, so lemme talk about me. Sometimes, I want something so bad in life that I can’t think about anything else. I don’t know why I become so focused and stuck on that one thing. Maybe it’s because I’ve learned, the hard way, that unless you go crazily after something, you don’t achieve it. But life doesn’t tell you the side-effects of what you learn. Grrr…
They say ‘All good things to those who wait’. Well I want to scream out, “Bullshit!” Sorry about the bad word, but such intense feelings cannot be expressed in sober words.
Why? I say why can’t I have what I want when I want it? I want it so bad, I can barely breathe! My head feels like it’s about to burst.
You know when you feel alone the most? Not when there’s nobody beside you. It’s when there is somebody beside you and you can’t share what you’re feeling… your dilemma, your trials, your tribulations, your pain. And I’m not saying that the other person isn’t ready to lend you an ear. Maybe, sometimes, you don’t want to burden them with the load on your shoulders. Even when you are crumbling under the pressure, even when it’s getting too much for you to handle it alone. Should I let the cat out of the box? Or should I keep my lips zipped? To be or not to be… the everlasting dilemma of life… Well, why life has to be so difficult all the time? Can’t it take a break or something? Can’t it stop torturing me for once? Give me a breather?
I sometimes think I know why people love watching movies and go gaga over the heroes. That’s because their life is so shitty, they want to take a breather and take a look at someone else’s life for a change. See how the heroes get in trouble, how they land the girl, how they come out of their tribulations with flying colours, how they make a punching bag out of the villains. Huh! Only if we (sorry, I) could do that! Punch the hell out of my problems… my adversaries… my villains.
Some people say, ‘When life gives you lemons, make yourself a taquila shot’ or something like that. Well, that’s intoxicating! And addictive! So drop that thought, it’ll only kill you, but won’t get you what you desire. But, sometimes I get why people start drinking. Sometimes you feel like numbing your senses enough so you won’t feel the pain. Well, acceptable… but not a solution after all. So what the bloody hell is the solution, then? Why can’t Math find its X?
I know, I know, I’m sounding so immature and impatient right now, not to mention incoherent. But trust the opinion of so many of those who know me to be very mature and very patient that I am. Really. Not bragging, but the first time I wanted something real bad, I waited for it for four long years(!) Then I dropped the idea altogether, lost the hope and even the desire of it, before I was finally rewarded. But you know what? I wasn’t happy… or even satisfied… it was as if someone dangled a bone in front of a dog till he died of hunger, and then threw the bone at the dead dog as a reward for his patience.
For now, the thing that I want, I’ve waited for six years. I feel as if I’ve spent half my life waiting to get what I want… I’m not living my life in its true sense at all, I’m just pushing the minutes by, so my waiting time gets over soon and I finally get rewarded with what I want… whenever that time is set by God to reward me… or if at all… Just wait, wait, and wait… till my will breaks, till my desire dies a painful, gory death. Believe me, it’s not a quick process either. Its like dying of starvation… slow, painful, and lonely.
I can already see some more dark clouds on the horizon… another desire taking shape, another long wait in the offing. Why can’t things move quickly and the time crawl? I don’t want get old with just the waiting. I want to enjoy the things that I desire. I won’t be able to enjoy those things when I get old! Duh! Why can’t life understand such a simple thing?
Now I know, a few people, after reading this post, would question or laugh at my sensibility, my maturity, my (im)patience, my objective or motive, and whatnot. Well, suck it up! Even the strongest of people need to just blow off steam sometimes. They just want to erupt like a volcano, let go, not care for a while about anything in the world but themselves. I know you want to scream out sometimes too… I know your life isn’t as easy and you are also waiting and waiting and waiting to get what you desire. We’re sailing in the same boat here, so don’t mock me, or I’ll push you overboard. Empathize with me, have your own little word-vomit in the comments section if you want, but don’t judge me or judge those who give it a go in the comments section, don’t consider yourself superior to those who lose it sometimes. Because YOU are one of us. Nobody in this world has a smooth sailing, peachy life with no troubles at all. So join hands and allow someone to vent out for once and listen patiently. Just listen…
Ah, that felt so good! Letting off steam like that. Having a word-vomit. I know this isn’t a solution either, like drinking, and I still have to wait to realize my dreams and not just wait, but also work my ass off to bring my dreams to life. But at least now I get the strength to hold on just a bit longer… a few more days perhaps. Maybe I should stop dreaming altogether… that will erase the problem, right? Stop hoping and just live my life one day at a time… Right? Without expectations? Without demands? Maybe that would work, right? I should try that I guess. I would try that, I guess. Right…
Tell me if you go through similar situations in life and want to scream your heart out till a glass breaks somewhere… or is it just me? Also tell me if you found a way out of such a dilemma or such a turmoil, and how you implemented the solution, if at all.
Nayak Brothers 